Bound by Guilt

Although Daniel was tall, trim, and well-coiffed, the gas station customers paid quickly and avoided eye contact. Daniel knew his puffy red eyes and forced smile made him look like he was stoned, and he was ok with that; he didn’t feel like talking to anyone. Or rather, Leah didn’t feel like talking to anyone. Sometimes it was hard to tell.

After the last of the lunch rush filed out, Daniel started cleaning the store, blinking and squinting as necessary to see through his fogged eyesight. Keeping busy usually helped with the foreign emotions. The racks that held motor oil looked sparse, so he brought out a case that had been delivered earlier and started restocking the shelves.

Just as he bent over to stock the bottom shelf, a woman behind him said, “Now that’s what I like to see: the back end of a handsome young doctor engaged in manual labor.”

Nearly banging his head on the shelf, Daniel straightened and turned to see his manager, Hailey, standing behind him with her hands on her hips. It always struck him how her bright red hair, cropped short, clashed with the blue shirt and tan pants of the gas station employee uniform.

Daniel took a deep breath to make sure he didn’t snap at his boss. In a slightly shaky voice, he said, “You know I’m not a doctor, Hailey. But thanks for the compliment.”

Hailey’s smile dropped when she saw his red eyes. “Leah the Leech is at it again, isn’t she?”

“You really shouldn’t call her that,” he said, but he couldn’t help smiling at the epithet. It was nice being around someone he didn’t have to hide his strange behavior from. “She doesn’t do it on purpose. She’s been through a lot.”

“We’ve all been through a lot, but you don’t see me moping around making someone else miserable. I still can’t believe they tethered you to that unstable mental patient.”

It was an old argument, and Daniel wanted to change the subject. “Speaking of doctors, how’s little Ben doing anyway? You said they were getting concerned about his creatinine levels?”

Hailey ran her hand through her short hair. “Yeah, they’re thinking of setting up a machine so we can do dialysis at home. I guess that will be easier than going to the hospital every other day, but it scares me that he needs it even more often now.”

“He’ll be ok. They’re bound to find a kidney donor eventually.” Not knowing what else to say, Daniel picked up the nearest bottle of oil and started reading the label.

Hailey laughed. “You’re always doing that.”

“Doing what?” he asked, still reading about synthetic oil and engine grime.

“You always start reading the nearest thing with words on it when you’re uncomfortable.”

Daniel looked back at Hailey and gave her a sheepish grin. “Guess I’d better get back to wor—”

Pain exploded in his left side and stabbed his left leg. The bottle of motor oil slipped from his fingers as he lurched and grabbed onto the shelves. Cans of tire repair gel fell off the shelf from the impact and rolled away on the floor.

“What’s wrong?” Hailey shouted, rushing to his side.

Daniel managed to croak out, “Leah’s hurt.” Hailey caught him as he lost consciousness.

Daniel woke up lying in a hospital bed. His leg, chest, and head throbbed. A blood pressure cuff wrapped around his left bicep, and a pulse monitor gripped his finger. Beside the bed, an array of machines hung on an IV pole and beeped quietly. Daniel groaned and reached up to cradle his throbbing head. Instead of his hair, he felt a rubber cap covering his head with dozens of small wires attached to it.

“Glad to see you woke up, Mr. Everett,” a woman said in a pinched voice.

Daniel looked to the corner of the small room to see an older woman wearing a gray suit and pencil skirt sitting by the window. Her brown hair was tied in a bun, and the evening sunlight reflected off the black rims of her eyeglasses.

“Dr. Harper?” Daniel said. “What’s going on?”

“You fell unconscious at your job and your boss called an ambulance. Once the doctors figured out there was nothing wrong with you, they realized what was going on and called me.”

Daniel looked at the clock above the door. “What happened? Why was I unconscious? Even with a tether, people don’t just lose consciousness for six hours.”

“In addition to the broken leg and bruised ribs, which I’m sure you’re feeling, Leah suffered a concussion. It disrupted the tether. You’re quite lucky it reestablished itself cleanly before any real damage occurred.”

“How did she get hurt?”

Dr. Harper raised an eyebrow and said, “Leah walked in front of a car.”

Daniel took in sharp breath as adrenaline rushed into his system. “You say that like she did it on purpose.”

“I think she did, but I don’t know for sure. She’s too smart to tell me outright or give herself away. She claims she just got distracted while walking to the grocery store.”

Daniel turned away tried to calm himself down by reading the instructions on his bag of saline solution. He reached up to run his hands through his hair, but came up short when he bumped the cap with the wires again.

“You can take that off, now that you’re conscious.”

Daniel pulled the cap off his head and felt the adhesive pull away from his scalp. He held it in his hands, the mess of wires trailing over the side of the bed. Looking down, he said, “What are we going to do, Gail?”

Dr. Harper took a deep breath, and then reached up and pulled her hair out of its bun. She shook it out with her hand and it dropped to her shoulders. Daniel raised an eyebrow; he had never seen Gail with her hair down before.

She took off her glasses and folded them in her hands. “Honestly, I don’t think I can do anything. I’ve been trying to help Leah for two years now. You’ve been to all the sessions. Has she made any progress? Is she feeling any better since the accident?”

“I thought you weren’t supposed to ask me about her feelings.”

“This is off the record now; it’s time to be unconventional. She hasn’t moved on, and I don’t think she wants to, but I don’t have any evidence I can use to institutionalize her. If I’m right, she’s going to try this again, and she will probably succeed. If we’re going to save your lives, we’re going to have to do away with some of the rules.”

Daniel sighed and started fidgeting with the wire cap. “Ok. I think you’re right. This morning was really bad. She was crying pretty hard, and she was desolate. It seems like an odd time to go to the grocery store.”

Gail raised her knuckle to her lips and stared at the linoleum floor; Daniel thought of it as her “thinking pose.” A minute later she put her glasses back on, took her phone out of her purse, and started tapping the screen. “I’m giving you official permission to see Leah without supervision.”

Daniel’s eyes grew wide as alarms went off in his head. “Why would I ever want to do that? If I see her outside your office, she’s going to destroy me. ”

“You might be right. Normally the restraining order is meant to protect the victim from being manipulated emotionally by their tether. In your case, it probably protects you as much as it does Leah. But you’re going to have to manipulate Leah now, which means I can’t be there. You have to make her want to live.”

Daniel knew this morning had been a close call, but now he fully grasped his dire situation. Gail Harper was not a woman who broke the rules without cause. He had to talk to Leah, and he had to do it alone, knowing how much she could hurt him.

Anxiety crept up Daniel’s spine and settled into his brain. Out of habit, he searched the room for anything he hadn’t read yet. The heart monitor read ninety-five. He tried to read the instructions on the blood pressure cuff, but the angle was too awkward. He forced himself to take a deep breath and said, “What possible reason can I give her to live?”

“If I knew that, I could have helped her myself.” Gail stood and walked to the door, her black heels clicking. “Leah’s in room 1042. I suggest you talk to her today. Maybe you can buy yourself some time before she tries again.” Then she left, leaving Daniel to read the evacuation instructions on the door as it swung closed.

Daniel walked down the hall in another part of the hospital and did his best not to limp on his leg that only felt like it was broken. He passed by the nurse’s desk, stopped at a door, and knocked.

“Come in,” a feminine voice said.

He opened the door and saw Ben, a red-headed seven-year-old boy, sitting in a lounge chair with tubes running from his left arm to a dialysis machine. A clipboard with a half-finished sheet of math problems sat on a desk attached to the right side of the chair. Ben’s mother, and Daniel’s boss, Hailey, sat in a less comfortable looking chair next to Ben. She was reading a romance novel, based on the rippling abs on the cover.

“Daniel!” Ben shouted.

“Hey, it’s the guy with my favorite blood type!”

Hailey’s eyes snapped up when she heard Daniel’s name. “You’re ok!” she said, jumping up to give Daniel a hug.

“Yeah, I’m ok,” he said, giving Hailey a brief squeeze before disengaging himself from the hug. “It was just a minor disruption in the tether when Leah got hurt. Everything’s fine now.” He looked over at Ben. “How’s things going here?”

“Really good!” Ben said. “We got the nice nurse today, and school’s almost out for the summer, so I don’t have much homework. Mom says I can play the video games here if I finish it.”

“That’s awesome.” Daniel looked at the paper on Ben’s clipboard. “Multiplication huh? You sure you can finish all that in time?”

Ben looked at the clock. “I’ve got two hours still. That’ll be easy.”

“Better get back to it then.” Daniel smiled, and turned to Hailey. “Hey, when you’re done here, could you give me a ride back to the station so I can get my car?”

“Sure, if you don’t mind waiting that long.”

“There’s someone I need to talk to before I can leave anyway.” He walked to the door and then turned back. “Hey Ben! Keep true to your blood type—”

“I know,” Ben said, smiling. “Be Positive!”

Daniel sat on a bench near room 1042 and rubbed his side in a futile attempt to sooth the pain that wasn’t his. He tried to figure out Leah’s current state of mind, but it was hard to separate out his own anxiety from any foreign emotions he might be feeling.

The only plan Daniel had thought of was to make Leah see that her actions affected more than just herself, that Daniel would suffer too. Maybe he could get Leah to accept his help; it would be easier to do that without being restricted to supervised therapy sessions.

Steeling himself, Daniel stood, walked over to the door, and knocked. Alarm shot through his body, and he jumped back, raising his arms defensively.

“Come in,” an irritated voice said.

Feeling both sheepish and annoyed, Daniel lowered his hands and hoped that no one had seen him. This wasn’t the first time he’d felt Leah startle, but it was the first time he’d caused it himself.

Daniel opened the door and saw Leah, a pale woman with shoulder-length black hair streaming out from under a head bandage. Her left leg was elevated and immobilized in a pale blue temporary cast, and an IV was attached to her hand.

Leah frowned and her gray eyes grew hard when she saw Daniel walk in, and Daniel felt a wave of anger and self-loathing wash over him. He had often thought this was the cruelest part of the tether, that the emotions Leah felt for him personally were not directed outward, as she experienced them. Instead, Daniel felt them directed inward. Leah hated him, and so Daniel hated himself.

“What are you doing here?” Leah said, venom dripping from every word.

Daniel struggled—as he had every week for two years—to resist the urge to find the nearest scalpel and slit his own wrists. He had been prepared for this, but without Dr. Harper and the formality of the office visit, Leah could beam her unrestrained hatred directly into Daniel’s brain. He bent his head down, pressed the palms of his hands against his eyes, and forced himself to breath.

Some time later, the storm in Daniel’s head quieted, replaced by a small sense of guilt and sympathy. He looked at Leah, who was still frowning, and decided to plunge ahead while he could.

“I heard you almost killed us today.”

The complexity of Leah’s reaction disoriented Daniel; confusion, surprise, and guilt slipped through his awareness in rapid succession. It was going to be difficult to talk directly to Leah like this without Dr. Harper there to sort things out for him.

“It was an accident,” she said.

Daniel could feel she was lying, but he didn’t want her to be defensive, so he tried a different approach. “I felt you crying again this morning,” he said. “What happened?”

Her sadness settled on his shoulders like a vulture landing on a tree in the desert. Leah looked down and crossed her hands over her stomach, and Daniel leaned on the footboard of the hospital bed to steady himself.

“I poured two bowls of cereal this morning,” she said. “I poured two bowls and I sat down to eat mine and I got halfway through it before I realized Josh wasn’t coming. That he’d never come again.” The last words squeaked into a sob.

Daniel wiped his own eyes. “I’m sorry. That feels awful,” he said. “Is that why you stepped in front of the car this morning?” Leah nodded but kept her head down. Daniel had to use every ounce of his own self-preservation to fight down the self-loathing. “I know I can never apologize enough for what I did. I haven’t had a single drink since that day, and I’ve been trying to rebuild my life since they tethered us.” He took a breath, and then played his gambit. “Do you really think I deserve to die?”

Daniel felt the guilt he was hoping for warring with the hopelessness. Leah sat silently for a long time, her emotions knotting and reknotting until Daniel couldn’t make sense of them anymore.

Finally, Leah spoke. “You know, I needed Josh as much as he needed me. We didn’t have a lot, but I was making it work. I was going to give him a better life than I had. I even started saving for his college fund.”

Daniel felt Leah’s sense of pride swell for a few moments before it deflated like a stiff balloon. “And then you,” she said, “and your bloody drunken friends hit our car.” She threw her hatred at Daniel like a knife. It stabbed him in the heart and then melted into the now familiar anguish. Leah started to sob. “He was only five.”

Leah had never forgiven him, and as she continued to cry, Daniel knew she never would. The quicksand of despair threatened to suck him under, and he searched for some kind of anchor to distract himself with. In desperation he picked up Leah’s medical chart from the footboard of her bed and began to read.

Fracture in the left tibia, bruised ribs, minor concussion. He scanned further down the page. Leah Keeble, female, age 26, blood type… Daniel blinked. Blood type: B+.

Daniel’s mind latched on to an idea like a life preserver. It was a crazy idea, but not impossible. Giving Leah’s emotions a mental shove, he dropped the chart on the bed and strode toward the door. “I have to go research something,” he said. “I’ll be back.”

Two hours later, Daniel walked back into Leah’s room, followed by Ben and Hailey. “I want you to meet some people,” he said, willfully ignoring Leah’s surprise. “This is Hailey Miller, my boss. And this,” Daniel said, putting his hands on Ben’s shoulders, “is her son, Ben.”

“Hello Leah,” Hailey said icily. “We’ve heard a lot about you.” Daniel gave her a pleading look. Hailey rolled her eyes, but continued. “Ben, say hello to Leah.”

“Hi Leah!” Ben said and walked closer to look at Leah’s leg cast. “Daniel said you got in an accident. Are you ok?”

Leah looked at Hailey and Ben as if two aliens had just descended from a space ship. She looked from one to the other, trying to make sense of what was going on. When she noticed the bandage on Ben’s arm, Daniel felt Leah’s heart lurch. “I’m going to be fine,” she said.

“That’s good,” Ben said. “I don’t want anything bad to happen to Daniel.”

“Ben!” Hailey said.

Leah smiled at Ben’s oblivious comment, and Daniel felt her amusement. He pulled some change out of his pocket and handed it to Ben. “Hey, why don’t you and your mom go get some snacks from the vending machine while I finish talking to Leah?”

“Can we, Mom?” Ben asked.

Hailey frowned at Daniel, but said, “Sure.”

“Yay!” Ben yelled and ran out the door.

Hailey followed and stopped at the door, giving Leah a harsh look. “We’ll just be outside if you need us,” she said to Daniel.

“I’ll be out in a minute,” Daniel said and closed the door after Hailey.

When he turned back, Leah was frowning. “What’s wrong with that little boy?”

“His kidneys are failing. He has to come get dialysis three times a week.”

“Can’t they just clone new kidneys for him?”

“Not in this case. It’s caused by a genetic disorder, so the new kidneys would just have the same problems. His mother has the same disorder and she’s already living on a donated kidney.”

“What about other family?”

“They don’t know who Ben’s father is, and Hailey is an orphan. They don’t have any other family to ask. And finding a deceased donor is almost impossible these days.”

Leah couldn’t keep the tremor out of her voice. “Why did you bring him here?” she said. “Are you trying to punish me for almost killing you? He’s almost as old as Josh would be if….” Daniel felt Leah’s heart breaking.

“No, actually,” Daniel said, “I’m trying to help him.” Confusion and doubt welled up in Daniel’s mind; Leah didn’t believe him. “Look, a couple hours ago, when I looked at your medical chart, I noticed you and Ben have the same blood type. So I went and pulled in some favors from my old college buddies.”

Leah balked as hatred for Daniel’s old friends poured out of her.

“Yes, those buddies. Just listen. I got them to look at your medical records for me and compare them to Ben’s. All the key stats line up, and the ones that don’t they can correct for. Leah, you could probably give one of your kidneys to Ben.”

Leah’s disbelief settled over Daniel’s mind like a fog. “You’re trying to trick me,” she said. “You’re trying to keep me from killing myself a little longer until you can get me into a psych ward.”

Daniel ran his hands through his hair and then forced himself to look Leah in the eyes instead of searching for something to read. “Ok,” he said. “I admit this isn’t completely altruistic of me. I want to live. But I don’t want you in a psych ward. You would be miserable, which means I’d be miserable. More miserable. Frankly, I’d prefer you killed us. And if that’s what you decide to do, I’m not going to stop you. But Leah, I’m telling you the truth about Ben.”

He took a deep breath. “It won’t be easy. Your body has to be in good condition to be a donor. You’d have to work out and get yourself in shape, and you’d have to get off the anti-depressants. But if you’re willing to do that, you can make that little boy’s life better. I’ve got a specialist ready and waiting to come talk to you, if you’re interested.”

“Is this specialist one of your old buddies?”

“No, I’ve never met him before. He just happened to be on call for the hospital today. If you don’t want to see him, I’ll send him away and you’ll never have to think about Hailey or Ben again. But I hope you’ll consider at least talking to him. I won’t even be in the room.”

Leah didn’t say anything and sat quietly, thinking. After a minute, she slowly closed her hands into fists. Daniel braced himself for a wave of hatred and rejection, but instead Daniel felt something harden in his chest. He was confused until he realized it was something he’d never felt from Leah before: Determination.